Taylor Swift - Back To December

Sanctus Real - Lead Me

I

losing your best friend

I have lost someone very special to me and it hurts like hell.  I am very scared of what the future holds. It seems like things cant get worse, but if I loose this person forever how can my life get better.  I pray everyday that God will help.  The pain feels like sharp jagged edges being thrust in my heart.  I can't seem to force my self to give up something that I don't have.  I have tried to have faith in the saying that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  I don't even know how to make since of anything.  I dont have any idea how to handle this.  I am sure there has to be light and the end of the tunnel, but I am to out of focus to find it.  I can't sleep bc that if I do it's one more day that I have to deal with what I lost. I have been taking all kinds of medicine and nothing is making me sleep.  I have never been in so much pain before.

So I tried some new medicine to get some sleep.  It did not work out so well.  I use to be able to take a tylenol and it would wipe me out.  Now I am doing good to get 6 hours of sleep, with prescribed medication.  I only slept three hours and now I sit here wide awake.  What does a person do at 2 am?  Thought about reading, but if I become to interested then I wont be able to go back to sleep.  What does a person going through such heartache do when they are alone?  Being alone and trying to sleep have been the hardest things I have dealt with since my vacation.  Part of me really wants to leave here for a while.  I hope moving away will help, but I also know that no matter where I go I am going to be alone.  The feeling of being alone is ripping me apart inside.  I have God, a supportive family and the best friends in the world.  Why do I still suffer?  I have so many good things around me, but yet I am searching for that numb button.  How is it that someone can hurt us more than we know what to do with, and yet our heart still yearns for them.

I decided to move back in the house, spent my first night last night.  I spent all day cleaning and moving things around.  My land lord painted the living room and bed room while I was visiting in Florida.  It looks pretty good, but my house feels so empty.  For a long time I enjoyed being single and having things my way.  I don't feel the same anymore.  Being here alone hurts like hell.  Guess it's just part of adjusting.  I went to see a psychiatrist today. well a nurse to find out basic info about my medical history.  So they made me an apt to come back and talk to someone.  They asked me if my husband wanted to do marriage counseling.  Seeing how is he living with his girlfriend that is not going to happen.   Wonder how you can love someone 13 years and completely cut that switch off?  Somebody didn't give me that memo.  Never did I realize you have to be someone's mini me for a marriage to fall apart.  All I can figure he is was not happy with himself and it was much easier to blame me.  There is no way the grass is greener on the other side of the fence!

Encouragement

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-sseking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  alaove does not delight in envil but rejoces with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

This has to be the most beatiful words I have ever heard. 

Paradise...What an adventure

Have to go back to work tomorrow, not looking foward to that. Had a lot of time off lately, starting to feel lazy.  Watched the super bowl tonight and my Steelers lost, but I still love them.  I got invited out tonight for a friend's birhtday next Saturday, pretty exicited about it.  I just got back from Key West a couple days ago.  I did not want to come home.  The people there are very friendly.  I had the best time with my friends there.  I started my trip on the 30th, spent all day in a plane and then a 4 hour car ride to Kris's house.  When I got there we hung out on the pier, I just layed there staring down into the ocean. Sunday we went to church and then to the dolphin research center.  I met Delta, a baby dolphin that my friends adopted.  The dolphins were amazing and did all kinds of tricks like clapping, waving, belly flops, cannon balls, they swam like sharks and one of them sounded like he was laughing.  Later that night we went ocean kayaking and watched the sun set truly breathtaking.  I would recommend having that experience in before you die. I spent the morning hours out on the pier reading,trying to figure out how could I get payed to do this for a living. Then I went kayaking again for a few hours. It was very relaxing, being able to go at my own spead. The scenery of the ocean constatly changed.  The houses facing the ocean were unique looking.  No cracker jack houses or gated communties.  We went down to the local bar for Taco Tuesday.  I was imediately in love with the place they served Bass on tap.  They have a jam fest where any band can play or any person can sing. The band played older music so we danced like complete morons.  I was dared to dance with this old man, prob old enough to be my grand father, but I did it.  He seemed to be having a good time.  I was a little tipsy and even started doing jumping jacks.  Yep I an idiot.=) Love the tiki bar, it makes you feel so alive. The next couple of days I spent most of my time in down town Key West.  I rode the bus to and from my friend's house.  My first time using public transportation.  Met lots of intresting people, mostly tourist.  I walked four miles to the aquarium.  Love the sea turtles.  I got to pet a shark and watch a sea turtle being fed.  Thanks Bryan!  I think he is a real life vamparie, but he is cute.  I went to Margaretville and had the best cheese burger in my life.  Thursday my friends took me to a dessert reasturant called better than sex.  We shared a bottle of wine, the glasses were dipped in caramel. The desserts were very good.  I could go on about my trip for hours.  I def. have keys fever, it was very hard to leave paradise.  Cant wait to go back, vitaminD from the sunshine is def. good for the soul.