Today we talked for a little while through yahoo messanger. I now know that my husband is done with me, he did not actually state it but I could tell through our conversation. He was polite and not his usual frustrated self around me. How ever I did find very odd that he did not once ask how I was. At least I know what he wants. I hade several pages that I had wrote him about how I have been feeling the past few days. I really wanted to be able to give it to him but I now that is not a good idea. His family and a fewof my friends were really hoping that we could get through this but you don't always get what you want.
I did not really anticpate that he would want to work things out, however I was hoping a little bit that he would. This can't be fixed overnight or even in a month. I would really like for us to be seperated for a while and slowly work things out. I thought over the last few days of how we could fix this. Some people will think I am a idiot for wanting to this to work but I don't really believe in divorce. I always thought marriage would take work, but I also thought that two people would share a deeper bond. I just don't understand how one day you tell someone you will love them for the rest of your life and then one day you wake up to find that you don't exisit to them anymore. Sometimes people begin to feel traped or they get bored or complacient. However if you love them why do you give up on them before you walk out? One of the biggest reasons people get divorced is because they quit talking to each other. I did not undersatnd why people let that happen. The truth is that dosen't happen, the real truth is one becomes selfish. Once that takes place they will do anything and everything to push you away. This way they don't have to deal with any of the pain or guilt.
I don't know if the person who did this to me will ever read this but if he does, I want him to know that I never gave up on him. Not even through this. However I can not fix this or make it go away. I will always care for him. I hope that one day he will look back on the lives he wrecked, and maybe show some sympathy for what he has done. I hope no one hurts him the way he has hurt others.
I have decided to move back into our house in a few weeks, I am planning to contact my land lord and ask if I can paint the place. I will want to get new fruniture and change everything so that I don't have to deal with the memories. I now have to get a tatoo covered up. But that won't be anytime soon. I have to wait untill the feelings die down. The hardest part about being seperated is loosing that companship. You just get use to someone being there. Not only do you lose the person you love but you lose a part of you. There are things that I really enjoyed that I will never have again. There are things that I wanted to do and I can't now because I cant take him with me. In March I am planning to go see a friend in Charleston and I am consedering moving there. We have been friends since I was 13 and we have always stayed good friends. It means starting over again, but I allready have to do that now. In some ways I think it will make life easier because I don't have anything there with him. I will have at least one friend there, possibly a room mate.
I will being taking a short vacation soon to key west and I will feel a little better emotionally and can make better decisions.
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