Restless

For the past few days it has been hard to sleep, and I can barely eat.  I have been very foolish lately.  I wanted my husband to stop being friends with this girl several months ago.  I did not tell him to stop because I did not want to be the kind of wife to tell him who to be friends with.  I made a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life.  I knew she was trouble the moment I laid eyes on her.  My husband and I had several agurments about her over the past year.  He never once cared how uncomfortable she made me.  He still chose to be her friend even when I thought they were having an affair.  He told me to trust him.  I was dumb enough to beileve him.  He let me down, he turned his back on me.  He has been done with our relationship for some time, he has been a coward to tell me this.  We made an agreement to spend some time apart.  I thought he wanted to focus on clearing his head.  I asked him to not spend any time with her, and yet he  hasn't gone one day without talking to her.  I let him know that I would try to work things out because of how much I love him.  I have given him permission to make a decesion for me.  I have made a huge mistake.  He hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve this.  This is not his decesion.  If I chose to stay or walk away this has to be 100% about me.  I know that he is done because he has not offered to try and fix this, he has not once metioned that he wants to stay with me.  He lost faith a while ago that this could work.  He became attached to someone else which in turn made it so easy for him to shut me out.   

He has been going through a rough time lately.  He pretty much depends on his relationship with her and acohol to get him through.  I am worried that he is about to lose everything that is important to him.   I can't help him I can't fix him.  I felt being his wife that I should be there no matter what.  He pushed me away.  He does not need or want me.  Part of me is so sad that if he ever decides he needs help that I will not be the person he chooses to come to.  In the begining of his lifestyle changing I did not understand.  Then one day we went for a walk and he opened up to me about things and I could cleary see why he was having so much trouble.  It made feel so good that he opened up to me that he trusted me. 

Tonight I recieved some information that confirmed some of my fears.  Realizing that I have to start making some important decisions.  I have to pull my self together and try not to let the pain and emotions get to me.  I keep telling myself don't rush into anything.  It's not like I found a month ago what he was doing.  It's only been 2 days.  It has been hard to seperate my thoughts into reality.  I have been strugling with my thoughts, I have two opinions on every thing.  The good news is we don't have a house or kids.  All the things that you have to change, once a marriage falls apart.  So much pain and suffering.  Women have to change everything when they get married, and then when you go through this you have to do it all over again.