Best Friends

Today ended the first part of my vacation.  It went by so fast, but I feel as if I have really had a chance to open my eyes. I spent most of my time alone and soul searching.  My outlook on life has changed.  I realized several things about life.  People can suprise you.  Sometimes you feel certain people will never suppport you and then show that you will.  Family that you thought you would lose, lets you know they will always be your family.  That your three year old niece can pick up on the fact that you are sad and will hug you, and dance with you untill you laugh.  Friends that you don't talk to for months will call, text and pray for you daily.  My friends in Florence can never be replaced.  Someone once told me I don't contact them enough.  This person only has one best friend, and I have six. Sometimes all you need is a friend that will take shots with you while you cry, or drive your drunk behind to eat.  The guy you met in Charleston that has all the tattos, will have one of the most amazing voices you have ever heard.  I may not spend the time with them that I use to but they have all opened their hearts and homes to me.  That old white beat up Jeep will take you further than any mustang. I have discovered that walking rail road tracks and sitting under bridges to be very relaxing.   I was told that I am two faced because of comments that I made about someone I didn't trust.  That person has really showed their true colors and turned out to be the most two faced person I have encourted.  When your gut tells you not to trust someone you are right all along.  Sometimes the most close minded person can become the most open minded person.  Sometimes the most open minded person can become the most close minded person.  People make promises that they don't stick to, they promise to stand by you for better or worse, and when worse showed up they took the easy way out.  You will constantly struggle through life if you try to live without God.  If you fall off that band wagon he will let you know.  Faith and prayer will make you a stronger person.  When I started to believe that the world was full of people with no morals or values, God has shown me that I was wrong.  People I barely know and people that don't even know me have prayed for me.  Don't ever look for a person to validate you.  When you feel alone ask God to hold you.  Dogs are women's best friends.  Taylor Swift songs speak to my heart.  When you are having a bad day turn the radio up and sing along, just make sure you turn it up enough you don't hear your own voice  (that can be scary).  Just because someone tells you they look at things very diffrently than you dosen't make them right.  Espically when they are probably looking from one side only. Some people have to fall on their face before realizing they need help.  What they don't realize is there was always somebody standing there to help them.  I guess we all believe at one point we have no one.  Someone can make you a promise they will be there for you no matter what.  If you are lucky enough to be one of these people, don't walk all over them.  If you tell someone that you treat people the way you want to be treated, make sure it's the truth.  That is a very strong statement.  It's hard to swallow when an amazing person turns their back on you.  I was given good advice sometimes you have to go through the rain storm to find the rainbow.

My six best friends are Athena, Lauren, Mercedes, Sarah, Kris and Denise.  I want you guys to know that I will always love you no matter what.  Thank you for always being there for me, espically right now.  I don't know what I would do with out each of you.  I am very thankful that God has placed you in my life.  You have all touched my life in diffrent ways, but you have all shown me what true friendship is all about.

Insight

The last couple of days I have been doing a lot of reading.  Something that I use to do and then somewhere along the way I lost the desire.  A couple of weeks ago I got back my desire.  Lately I have reading the Bible and it has really helped me.  When I first started this I was trying to learn just how to deal with life and reading has given me a lot of insight.  I am in the process of trying to open my eyes to a new place for me.  These verses have really helped me understand what life is suppose to be like.  1 Corinthians 7 vs 1-7,
Ephesians 6 vs 21-33, Hosea 2 vs 16-20, Mlachi 3 vs 5 and Psalms 37 vs 4-5.  Turning to God has really helped me deal with being angry about my present situation.  I feel that I have been hurt in the worst way possible.  I have learned I am nothing with out God, he gives me strength when I feel helpless.  He has tried to fill the hole in my heart with compassion.  Unfortunately some people fall so far down that they loose their place, and they begin to believe that cant or don't deserve to ask for help.  I have been to that place myself.  God came knocking at my door and I opened.  He also had to put me in a spot where I feel on my knees so hard that I had no choice but to pray.  There is someone very special to me who I believe is fallen into to this spot, but much harder than most.  I pray that one day he finds the same strength I have.  I know it wont be any time soon.  He knows he is in a dark place and the only the only help he wants is sin. Misery loves company and that has become his best friend.

Calmness in the Storm

Trying to find calmness in the storm, somedays are filled with peace, and other days filled with pain.  Having your life snatched out from under you, having love ripped from your heart, and family that you thought you would never have.  Seeing their faces and hearing their voices in your head.  Knowing that you can not reach out and touch or hold them.  If only you knew what you were about to loose, you would just snatch that up and hold on so tight, you would never let go.  Why would the person who loves you take everything you have and tell you that your never allowed to look back.

New Hobbies

Today started around 6:30 am, woke up took a shower and headed for work.  My least favorite place right now.  I talked with my boss and was able to get out of a meeting next week.  I came back to my friends and started packing for my trip.  I needed to do laundry and take care of a few matters before leaving town.  I had lunch with a friend and tried to discuss some financial advice.  From there I spent about 45 minutes at the DMV, while waiting I thought to my self this place is a lot like Wal-Mart.  Seventeen lanes of checkout and only four lanes open.  Then I decided to go back to the house work on laundry and to take Kelsey for a walk.  We started out through the neighborhood and I decided that it was to boring.  I wanted to take her to the park, spend a little extra time with her.  I will not see her for another two weeks.  It's killing me on the inside.  While out for our walk I could tell Kelsey was enjoying her self, she was so curious and constanly smelling new scents.  During our trip I had change of plans, I had forgotten about the railroad tracks.  I enjoyed her company very much, but I couldn't stop thinking about two things that were missing.  The stars in the sky and a cold PBR. Although this is something I have been wanting to do lately start at one end and see where I end up.  Not sure how far down the tracks we were but Kelsey was getting tired so I knew it was time to head back, because we still had about a thirty minute walk home.  We got back to the house I finished folding my last bit of laundry.  I was waiting on a phone call so that I could book a ticket for part of my trip.  I called my insurance company, what a waste of time.  I got so frustrated with their automatic service that I did not get anything resolved.  I was able to get my plane ticket, it was a little more than I wanted to spend.  However sitting on a pier reading a book and drinking a cold beer will be well worth it.  My husband came home while all this was going on, he seemed very disgruntel, I guess it was because I was there.  Really not sure did not ask.  I was not there to cause any problems just wanted to get my airline ticket.  He left in a hurry.  So I stayed a little longer with Kelsey, left after 5 pm.  Headed down to Mauldin to start a new hobby.  It is something I have often thought of doing in the past, just never did any thing about it.  I signed up to take salsa lessons, however on your first visit you recieve an hour of learning basic steps to many different types of dances.  We went through seven different types, salsa, swing, tango, waltz, ballroom, hustle, and now I don't remember the rest.  I had a really great time, and met my new dance partner for the next several weeks.  While I was there my mind was so clear and at peace for the first time in almost two weeks.  It was wonderful.  My dance instructor complimented me the entire time.  He loves his job and is very encouraging.  This is going to be a very expensive hobby for me, but you only live once. 

Today has been a tough day emotionally for me.  I wish that it was not because I actually got good news.  I am getting help with my car that I wrecked.  I am very thankful for the help.  I went to the doctors office twice today one for my back, and one for support.  I don't really know what to do bc I recieved a total of 5 prescrptions.  The good news is I got an appt set for to speak to a therpaist.  This is something I really need to do.  Most people I have spoke with know my husband and I both and have a hard time giving advice.  They are just blown away that we are not together.  It will be nice to have an outsider looking in to help me.  I hope that one day he will want to help himself.  Today we talked and he tried to calm me down.  I figured out today that I will just have to take what he says with a grain of salt.  When he actually puts some action into motion then maybe I can beileve him. 

I feel frustrated that I still have not heard anything from my boss.  I am dying to pack, and get out of this place.  An adventure is something that I need.  A place to find my self, a place to relax.  As much effort as I put into my job I have gotten one reward for it.  I have 30+ days of paid time off.  My sick days have been storing for a while.  I will finally be able to use them, and my plan is to use as much as I can.  I feel that I am going stur crazy, no matter where I go I feel trapped. 

When I return from my trip I hope to feel relaxed, and have a plan for what to do with my life.  This is something I will be doing alone.  My very first adventure.  Sure I have been on trips, vacation, but they have always been planned.  This trip I have no idea where I will go, who I will see, and I feel so much peace and comfort in that thought. 

Tomorrow I will be taking my very first dance lesson, this is something I have wanted to do for a while.  I hope that I do not find out I have two left feet.  Anyone reading this wish me luck.

gains and losses

I have been spending alot of time writing about my feelings about my relationship with my husband. Today I was coming home from Florence and had lots of thoughts about me and him.  I know that he is done with our relationship and to some degree I understand why.  I am secretly hoping that he will change his mind one day.  Like most things in life it will take effort.  He believes our relationship will never be the same and that I will never let him live down the affair.  There are few things that I have thought of in this matter.  He cant expect me to forget about her when he has not.  I am also going to get counseling so that I can put it behind me.  This will help me but it could help us if he would let it.  Also relationships can never be the same from the starting point once someone has betrayed you.  However if you make the efforts and scarfices that it takes to change things your relationship will become stronger.  I believe this with all my heart it shows that person cares and is willing to make things right.  Life is based in the choices you make.  Sometimes we make bad ones or dumb ones.  It's what you take from it that makes you a better person. 

Yesrerday when I got off work I went to Florence for a friends birthday party.  I felt like an outcast.  I have nothing in common with 98% of hte people who were there.  The house it was looked like it belonged in a musem.  I was afraid to touch anything.  All the people there are obssesed with money and materlistic items.  It made me sad bc they do not see the world for it's beauty and peace.  On the way home today from the party it was made me realize that I have lost time that I can not replace. I thought of things that my husband and I would really enjoy doing together.  Unfortunatly my close minded self has waited to late.=( 
I am going to take some time off from work and just go somewhere.  It will bring me peace and hapiness.  I will have to please no one but my self.  I am very excited to do this.  I really enjoyed my car ride today for many reasons.  I had lots of time to think, there was no clock to show me the time, no cell phone to ring.  I feel in love with my husband's jeep today.  If he happens to read this, thank you for the oppurtinuty.

Decisions

Today we talked for a little while through yahoo messanger.  I now know that my husband is done with me, he did not actually state it but I could tell through our conversation.  He was polite and not his usual frustrated self around me.  How ever I did find very odd that he did not once ask how I was.  At least I know what he wants.  I hade several pages that I had wrote him about how I have been feeling the past few days.  I really wanted to be able to give it to him but I now that is not a good idea.  His family and a fewof my friends were really hoping that we could get through this but you don't always get what you want.
I did not really anticpate that he would want to work things out, however I was hoping a little bit that he would. This can't be fixed overnight or even in a month.  I would really like for us to be seperated for a while and slowly work things out.  I thought over the last few days of  how we could fix this.  Some people will think I am a idiot for wanting to this to work but I don't really believe in divorce.  I always thought marriage would take work, but I also thought that two people would share a deeper bond.  I just don't understand how one day you tell someone you will love them for the rest of your life and then one day you wake up to find that you don't exisit to them anymore.  Sometimes people begin to feel traped or they get bored or complacient.  However if you love them why do you give up on them before you walk out?  One of the biggest reasons people get divorced is because they quit talking to each other.  I did not undersatnd why people let that happen.  The truth is that dosen't happen, the real truth is one becomes selfish.  Once that takes place they will do anything and everything to push you away. This way they don't have to deal with any of the pain or guilt. 

I don't know if the person who did this to me will ever read this but if he does, I want him to know that I never gave up on him.  Not even through this.  However I can not fix this or make it go away.  I will always care for him.  I hope that one day he will look back on the lives he wrecked, and maybe show some sympathy for what he has done.  I hope no one hurts him the way he has hurt others.     

I have decided to move back into our house in a few weeks, I am planning to contact my land lord and ask if I can paint the place.  I will want to get new fruniture and change everything so that I don't have to deal with the memories.  I now have to get a tatoo covered up.  But that won't be anytime soon.  I have to wait untill the feelings die down.  The hardest part about being seperated is loosing that companship.  You just get use to someone being there.  Not only do you lose the person you love but you lose a part of you.  There are things that I really enjoyed that I will never have again.  There are things that I wanted to do and I can't now because I cant take him with me.  In March I am planning to go see a friend in Charleston and I am consedering moving there.  We have been friends since I was 13 and we have always stayed good friends.  It means starting over again, but I allready have to do that now.  In some ways I think it will make life easier because I don't have anything there with him.  I will have at least one friend there, possibly a room mate.
I will being taking a short vacation soon to key west and I will feel a little better emotionally and can make better decisions.