Taylor Swift - Back To December

Sanctus Real - Lead Me

I

losing your best friend

I have lost someone very special to me and it hurts like hell.  I am very scared of what the future holds. It seems like things cant get worse, but if I loose this person forever how can my life get better.  I pray everyday that God will help.  The pain feels like sharp jagged edges being thrust in my heart.  I can't seem to force my self to give up something that I don't have.  I have tried to have faith in the saying that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  I don't even know how to make since of anything.  I dont have any idea how to handle this.  I am sure there has to be light and the end of the tunnel, but I am to out of focus to find it.  I can't sleep bc that if I do it's one more day that I have to deal with what I lost. I have been taking all kinds of medicine and nothing is making me sleep.  I have never been in so much pain before.

So I tried some new medicine to get some sleep.  It did not work out so well.  I use to be able to take a tylenol and it would wipe me out.  Now I am doing good to get 6 hours of sleep, with prescribed medication.  I only slept three hours and now I sit here wide awake.  What does a person do at 2 am?  Thought about reading, but if I become to interested then I wont be able to go back to sleep.  What does a person going through such heartache do when they are alone?  Being alone and trying to sleep have been the hardest things I have dealt with since my vacation.  Part of me really wants to leave here for a while.  I hope moving away will help, but I also know that no matter where I go I am going to be alone.  The feeling of being alone is ripping me apart inside.  I have God, a supportive family and the best friends in the world.  Why do I still suffer?  I have so many good things around me, but yet I am searching for that numb button.  How is it that someone can hurt us more than we know what to do with, and yet our heart still yearns for them.

I decided to move back in the house, spent my first night last night.  I spent all day cleaning and moving things around.  My land lord painted the living room and bed room while I was visiting in Florida.  It looks pretty good, but my house feels so empty.  For a long time I enjoyed being single and having things my way.  I don't feel the same anymore.  Being here alone hurts like hell.  Guess it's just part of adjusting.  I went to see a psychiatrist today. well a nurse to find out basic info about my medical history.  So they made me an apt to come back and talk to someone.  They asked me if my husband wanted to do marriage counseling.  Seeing how is he living with his girlfriend that is not going to happen.   Wonder how you can love someone 13 years and completely cut that switch off?  Somebody didn't give me that memo.  Never did I realize you have to be someone's mini me for a marriage to fall apart.  All I can figure he is was not happy with himself and it was much easier to blame me.  There is no way the grass is greener on the other side of the fence!

Encouragement

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-sseking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  alaove does not delight in envil but rejoces with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

This has to be the most beatiful words I have ever heard. 

Paradise...What an adventure

Have to go back to work tomorrow, not looking foward to that. Had a lot of time off lately, starting to feel lazy.  Watched the super bowl tonight and my Steelers lost, but I still love them.  I got invited out tonight for a friend's birhtday next Saturday, pretty exicited about it.  I just got back from Key West a couple days ago.  I did not want to come home.  The people there are very friendly.  I had the best time with my friends there.  I started my trip on the 30th, spent all day in a plane and then a 4 hour car ride to Kris's house.  When I got there we hung out on the pier, I just layed there staring down into the ocean. Sunday we went to church and then to the dolphin research center.  I met Delta, a baby dolphin that my friends adopted.  The dolphins were amazing and did all kinds of tricks like clapping, waving, belly flops, cannon balls, they swam like sharks and one of them sounded like he was laughing.  Later that night we went ocean kayaking and watched the sun set truly breathtaking.  I would recommend having that experience in before you die. I spent the morning hours out on the pier reading,trying to figure out how could I get payed to do this for a living. Then I went kayaking again for a few hours. It was very relaxing, being able to go at my own spead. The scenery of the ocean constatly changed.  The houses facing the ocean were unique looking.  No cracker jack houses or gated communties.  We went down to the local bar for Taco Tuesday.  I was imediately in love with the place they served Bass on tap.  They have a jam fest where any band can play or any person can sing. The band played older music so we danced like complete morons.  I was dared to dance with this old man, prob old enough to be my grand father, but I did it.  He seemed to be having a good time.  I was a little tipsy and even started doing jumping jacks.  Yep I an idiot.=) Love the tiki bar, it makes you feel so alive. The next couple of days I spent most of my time in down town Key West.  I rode the bus to and from my friend's house.  My first time using public transportation.  Met lots of intresting people, mostly tourist.  I walked four miles to the aquarium.  Love the sea turtles.  I got to pet a shark and watch a sea turtle being fed.  Thanks Bryan!  I think he is a real life vamparie, but he is cute.  I went to Margaretville and had the best cheese burger in my life.  Thursday my friends took me to a dessert reasturant called better than sex.  We shared a bottle of wine, the glasses were dipped in caramel. The desserts were very good.  I could go on about my trip for hours.  I def. have keys fever, it was very hard to leave paradise.  Cant wait to go back, vitaminD from the sunshine is def. good for the soul.

Best Friends

Today ended the first part of my vacation.  It went by so fast, but I feel as if I have really had a chance to open my eyes. I spent most of my time alone and soul searching.  My outlook on life has changed.  I realized several things about life.  People can suprise you.  Sometimes you feel certain people will never suppport you and then show that you will.  Family that you thought you would lose, lets you know they will always be your family.  That your three year old niece can pick up on the fact that you are sad and will hug you, and dance with you untill you laugh.  Friends that you don't talk to for months will call, text and pray for you daily.  My friends in Florence can never be replaced.  Someone once told me I don't contact them enough.  This person only has one best friend, and I have six. Sometimes all you need is a friend that will take shots with you while you cry, or drive your drunk behind to eat.  The guy you met in Charleston that has all the tattos, will have one of the most amazing voices you have ever heard.  I may not spend the time with them that I use to but they have all opened their hearts and homes to me.  That old white beat up Jeep will take you further than any mustang. I have discovered that walking rail road tracks and sitting under bridges to be very relaxing.   I was told that I am two faced because of comments that I made about someone I didn't trust.  That person has really showed their true colors and turned out to be the most two faced person I have encourted.  When your gut tells you not to trust someone you are right all along.  Sometimes the most close minded person can become the most open minded person.  Sometimes the most open minded person can become the most close minded person.  People make promises that they don't stick to, they promise to stand by you for better or worse, and when worse showed up they took the easy way out.  You will constantly struggle through life if you try to live without God.  If you fall off that band wagon he will let you know.  Faith and prayer will make you a stronger person.  When I started to believe that the world was full of people with no morals or values, God has shown me that I was wrong.  People I barely know and people that don't even know me have prayed for me.  Don't ever look for a person to validate you.  When you feel alone ask God to hold you.  Dogs are women's best friends.  Taylor Swift songs speak to my heart.  When you are having a bad day turn the radio up and sing along, just make sure you turn it up enough you don't hear your own voice  (that can be scary).  Just because someone tells you they look at things very diffrently than you dosen't make them right.  Espically when they are probably looking from one side only. Some people have to fall on their face before realizing they need help.  What they don't realize is there was always somebody standing there to help them.  I guess we all believe at one point we have no one.  Someone can make you a promise they will be there for you no matter what.  If you are lucky enough to be one of these people, don't walk all over them.  If you tell someone that you treat people the way you want to be treated, make sure it's the truth.  That is a very strong statement.  It's hard to swallow when an amazing person turns their back on you.  I was given good advice sometimes you have to go through the rain storm to find the rainbow.

My six best friends are Athena, Lauren, Mercedes, Sarah, Kris and Denise.  I want you guys to know that I will always love you no matter what.  Thank you for always being there for me, espically right now.  I don't know what I would do with out each of you.  I am very thankful that God has placed you in my life.  You have all touched my life in diffrent ways, but you have all shown me what true friendship is all about.

Insight

The last couple of days I have been doing a lot of reading.  Something that I use to do and then somewhere along the way I lost the desire.  A couple of weeks ago I got back my desire.  Lately I have reading the Bible and it has really helped me.  When I first started this I was trying to learn just how to deal with life and reading has given me a lot of insight.  I am in the process of trying to open my eyes to a new place for me.  These verses have really helped me understand what life is suppose to be like.  1 Corinthians 7 vs 1-7,
Ephesians 6 vs 21-33, Hosea 2 vs 16-20, Mlachi 3 vs 5 and Psalms 37 vs 4-5.  Turning to God has really helped me deal with being angry about my present situation.  I feel that I have been hurt in the worst way possible.  I have learned I am nothing with out God, he gives me strength when I feel helpless.  He has tried to fill the hole in my heart with compassion.  Unfortunately some people fall so far down that they loose their place, and they begin to believe that cant or don't deserve to ask for help.  I have been to that place myself.  God came knocking at my door and I opened.  He also had to put me in a spot where I feel on my knees so hard that I had no choice but to pray.  There is someone very special to me who I believe is fallen into to this spot, but much harder than most.  I pray that one day he finds the same strength I have.  I know it wont be any time soon.  He knows he is in a dark place and the only the only help he wants is sin. Misery loves company and that has become his best friend.

Calmness in the Storm

Trying to find calmness in the storm, somedays are filled with peace, and other days filled with pain.  Having your life snatched out from under you, having love ripped from your heart, and family that you thought you would never have.  Seeing their faces and hearing their voices in your head.  Knowing that you can not reach out and touch or hold them.  If only you knew what you were about to loose, you would just snatch that up and hold on so tight, you would never let go.  Why would the person who loves you take everything you have and tell you that your never allowed to look back.

New Hobbies

Today started around 6:30 am, woke up took a shower and headed for work.  My least favorite place right now.  I talked with my boss and was able to get out of a meeting next week.  I came back to my friends and started packing for my trip.  I needed to do laundry and take care of a few matters before leaving town.  I had lunch with a friend and tried to discuss some financial advice.  From there I spent about 45 minutes at the DMV, while waiting I thought to my self this place is a lot like Wal-Mart.  Seventeen lanes of checkout and only four lanes open.  Then I decided to go back to the house work on laundry and to take Kelsey for a walk.  We started out through the neighborhood and I decided that it was to boring.  I wanted to take her to the park, spend a little extra time with her.  I will not see her for another two weeks.  It's killing me on the inside.  While out for our walk I could tell Kelsey was enjoying her self, she was so curious and constanly smelling new scents.  During our trip I had change of plans, I had forgotten about the railroad tracks.  I enjoyed her company very much, but I couldn't stop thinking about two things that were missing.  The stars in the sky and a cold PBR. Although this is something I have been wanting to do lately start at one end and see where I end up.  Not sure how far down the tracks we were but Kelsey was getting tired so I knew it was time to head back, because we still had about a thirty minute walk home.  We got back to the house I finished folding my last bit of laundry.  I was waiting on a phone call so that I could book a ticket for part of my trip.  I called my insurance company, what a waste of time.  I got so frustrated with their automatic service that I did not get anything resolved.  I was able to get my plane ticket, it was a little more than I wanted to spend.  However sitting on a pier reading a book and drinking a cold beer will be well worth it.  My husband came home while all this was going on, he seemed very disgruntel, I guess it was because I was there.  Really not sure did not ask.  I was not there to cause any problems just wanted to get my airline ticket.  He left in a hurry.  So I stayed a little longer with Kelsey, left after 5 pm.  Headed down to Mauldin to start a new hobby.  It is something I have often thought of doing in the past, just never did any thing about it.  I signed up to take salsa lessons, however on your first visit you recieve an hour of learning basic steps to many different types of dances.  We went through seven different types, salsa, swing, tango, waltz, ballroom, hustle, and now I don't remember the rest.  I had a really great time, and met my new dance partner for the next several weeks.  While I was there my mind was so clear and at peace for the first time in almost two weeks.  It was wonderful.  My dance instructor complimented me the entire time.  He loves his job and is very encouraging.  This is going to be a very expensive hobby for me, but you only live once. 

Today has been a tough day emotionally for me.  I wish that it was not because I actually got good news.  I am getting help with my car that I wrecked.  I am very thankful for the help.  I went to the doctors office twice today one for my back, and one for support.  I don't really know what to do bc I recieved a total of 5 prescrptions.  The good news is I got an appt set for to speak to a therpaist.  This is something I really need to do.  Most people I have spoke with know my husband and I both and have a hard time giving advice.  They are just blown away that we are not together.  It will be nice to have an outsider looking in to help me.  I hope that one day he will want to help himself.  Today we talked and he tried to calm me down.  I figured out today that I will just have to take what he says with a grain of salt.  When he actually puts some action into motion then maybe I can beileve him. 

I feel frustrated that I still have not heard anything from my boss.  I am dying to pack, and get out of this place.  An adventure is something that I need.  A place to find my self, a place to relax.  As much effort as I put into my job I have gotten one reward for it.  I have 30+ days of paid time off.  My sick days have been storing for a while.  I will finally be able to use them, and my plan is to use as much as I can.  I feel that I am going stur crazy, no matter where I go I feel trapped. 

When I return from my trip I hope to feel relaxed, and have a plan for what to do with my life.  This is something I will be doing alone.  My very first adventure.  Sure I have been on trips, vacation, but they have always been planned.  This trip I have no idea where I will go, who I will see, and I feel so much peace and comfort in that thought. 

Tomorrow I will be taking my very first dance lesson, this is something I have wanted to do for a while.  I hope that I do not find out I have two left feet.  Anyone reading this wish me luck.

gains and losses

I have been spending alot of time writing about my feelings about my relationship with my husband. Today I was coming home from Florence and had lots of thoughts about me and him.  I know that he is done with our relationship and to some degree I understand why.  I am secretly hoping that he will change his mind one day.  Like most things in life it will take effort.  He believes our relationship will never be the same and that I will never let him live down the affair.  There are few things that I have thought of in this matter.  He cant expect me to forget about her when he has not.  I am also going to get counseling so that I can put it behind me.  This will help me but it could help us if he would let it.  Also relationships can never be the same from the starting point once someone has betrayed you.  However if you make the efforts and scarfices that it takes to change things your relationship will become stronger.  I believe this with all my heart it shows that person cares and is willing to make things right.  Life is based in the choices you make.  Sometimes we make bad ones or dumb ones.  It's what you take from it that makes you a better person. 

Yesrerday when I got off work I went to Florence for a friends birthday party.  I felt like an outcast.  I have nothing in common with 98% of hte people who were there.  The house it was looked like it belonged in a musem.  I was afraid to touch anything.  All the people there are obssesed with money and materlistic items.  It made me sad bc they do not see the world for it's beauty and peace.  On the way home today from the party it was made me realize that I have lost time that I can not replace. I thought of things that my husband and I would really enjoy doing together.  Unfortunatly my close minded self has waited to late.=( 
I am going to take some time off from work and just go somewhere.  It will bring me peace and hapiness.  I will have to please no one but my self.  I am very excited to do this.  I really enjoyed my car ride today for many reasons.  I had lots of time to think, there was no clock to show me the time, no cell phone to ring.  I feel in love with my husband's jeep today.  If he happens to read this, thank you for the oppurtinuty.

Decisions

Today we talked for a little while through yahoo messanger.  I now know that my husband is done with me, he did not actually state it but I could tell through our conversation.  He was polite and not his usual frustrated self around me.  How ever I did find very odd that he did not once ask how I was.  At least I know what he wants.  I hade several pages that I had wrote him about how I have been feeling the past few days.  I really wanted to be able to give it to him but I now that is not a good idea.  His family and a fewof my friends were really hoping that we could get through this but you don't always get what you want.
I did not really anticpate that he would want to work things out, however I was hoping a little bit that he would. This can't be fixed overnight or even in a month.  I would really like for us to be seperated for a while and slowly work things out.  I thought over the last few days of  how we could fix this.  Some people will think I am a idiot for wanting to this to work but I don't really believe in divorce.  I always thought marriage would take work, but I also thought that two people would share a deeper bond.  I just don't understand how one day you tell someone you will love them for the rest of your life and then one day you wake up to find that you don't exisit to them anymore.  Sometimes people begin to feel traped or they get bored or complacient.  However if you love them why do you give up on them before you walk out?  One of the biggest reasons people get divorced is because they quit talking to each other.  I did not undersatnd why people let that happen.  The truth is that dosen't happen, the real truth is one becomes selfish.  Once that takes place they will do anything and everything to push you away. This way they don't have to deal with any of the pain or guilt. 

I don't know if the person who did this to me will ever read this but if he does, I want him to know that I never gave up on him.  Not even through this.  However I can not fix this or make it go away.  I will always care for him.  I hope that one day he will look back on the lives he wrecked, and maybe show some sympathy for what he has done.  I hope no one hurts him the way he has hurt others.     

I have decided to move back into our house in a few weeks, I am planning to contact my land lord and ask if I can paint the place.  I will want to get new fruniture and change everything so that I don't have to deal with the memories.  I now have to get a tatoo covered up.  But that won't be anytime soon.  I have to wait untill the feelings die down.  The hardest part about being seperated is loosing that companship.  You just get use to someone being there.  Not only do you lose the person you love but you lose a part of you.  There are things that I really enjoyed that I will never have again.  There are things that I wanted to do and I can't now because I cant take him with me.  In March I am planning to go see a friend in Charleston and I am consedering moving there.  We have been friends since I was 13 and we have always stayed good friends.  It means starting over again, but I allready have to do that now.  In some ways I think it will make life easier because I don't have anything there with him.  I will have at least one friend there, possibly a room mate.
I will being taking a short vacation soon to key west and I will feel a little better emotionally and can make better decisions. 

Restless

For the past few days it has been hard to sleep, and I can barely eat.  I have been very foolish lately.  I wanted my husband to stop being friends with this girl several months ago.  I did not tell him to stop because I did not want to be the kind of wife to tell him who to be friends with.  I made a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life.  I knew she was trouble the moment I laid eyes on her.  My husband and I had several agurments about her over the past year.  He never once cared how uncomfortable she made me.  He still chose to be her friend even when I thought they were having an affair.  He told me to trust him.  I was dumb enough to beileve him.  He let me down, he turned his back on me.  He has been done with our relationship for some time, he has been a coward to tell me this.  We made an agreement to spend some time apart.  I thought he wanted to focus on clearing his head.  I asked him to not spend any time with her, and yet he  hasn't gone one day without talking to her.  I let him know that I would try to work things out because of how much I love him.  I have given him permission to make a decesion for me.  I have made a huge mistake.  He hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve this.  This is not his decesion.  If I chose to stay or walk away this has to be 100% about me.  I know that he is done because he has not offered to try and fix this, he has not once metioned that he wants to stay with me.  He lost faith a while ago that this could work.  He became attached to someone else which in turn made it so easy for him to shut me out.   

He has been going through a rough time lately.  He pretty much depends on his relationship with her and acohol to get him through.  I am worried that he is about to lose everything that is important to him.   I can't help him I can't fix him.  I felt being his wife that I should be there no matter what.  He pushed me away.  He does not need or want me.  Part of me is so sad that if he ever decides he needs help that I will not be the person he chooses to come to.  In the begining of his lifestyle changing I did not understand.  Then one day we went for a walk and he opened up to me about things and I could cleary see why he was having so much trouble.  It made feel so good that he opened up to me that he trusted me. 

Tonight I recieved some information that confirmed some of my fears.  Realizing that I have to start making some important decisions.  I have to pull my self together and try not to let the pain and emotions get to me.  I keep telling myself don't rush into anything.  It's not like I found a month ago what he was doing.  It's only been 2 days.  It has been hard to seperate my thoughts into reality.  I have been strugling with my thoughts, I have two opinions on every thing.  The good news is we don't have a house or kids.  All the things that you have to change, once a marriage falls apart.  So much pain and suffering.  Women have to change everything when they get married, and then when you go through this you have to do it all over again.

Life

Never thought much about having a blog before.  However over the past few days my life has changed dramaticaly.  The unexpected has happened.  Yes I know that is going to happen.  I let this happen I knew that I should just walk away however I did not.  I allowef my self to trust when I knew it was a mistake.  Its crazy what you will do for love. I have done a lot of writing lately and decided that starting this blog would be a good idea for me. I have no idea if anyone will read this.   
  My life has turned upside down lately.  I feel as if though I have lost everything.  The only thing I have really lost is extra baggage that I didn't need.  I lost the love of my life, I never thought this would happen.  I was only married 3and half years.  We should have been having the time of our lives.  Unfortunally he was not.  He changed and became a person I no longer know.  I have lost him completely.  He has lied over and over again to me.  I still havent completely realized that I am better of without him.  I would have loved for him to be honest and up front with me.  Once someone is done with the marriage they feel they no longer owe you anything.  It has been a strugle to pick up the pieces.  I know that he is done although he has not told me.  I know is spending time with someone else at the moment.